Wednesday, 21 April 2010

facing the ugly truth

it seems to me that without realizing to be able to continue we lie to ourselves, we tell ourselves daily that this life we lead is fine and nothing is wrong. i am pleased and feel happy with my self over what i achieve blithely ignoring the stuff that sits undone because i cant do it. we adjust and accept how things are and tell our selves that its fine, it becomes normal that i no longer go anywhere without another adult.

gradually Paul has taken over the role of house wife and carer only we dont talk about it. in our little cocoon we are doing fine life is normal and we have no problems that we are no dealing with;

then a stranger comes into our home and with a few simple questions the truth hits us, its not normal for a 41 year old to need help to dress in the morning and to wash. its not normal that my husband is doing 99% of all the jobs in the house while i sit and watch to tired to help. or that i got to bed before hubby goes to work at 7.30 so that im safe. and when the question is asked about what do i do outside of the home independently. the hard truth is nothing. facing the truth is more than we need and so much more that i can cope with.

when this stranger tells you that your husband now spends over 12 hours a week caring for you and that if you were on your own you would have to have someone come in to the house to help. and that help is only for the basic needs cleanliness or your person and food. they dont count the fact that he does all the washing, cleaning of the house and cooking. they talked about having someone come in so he could have time off from having to look after me. when did i stop being his equal his wife, to being an extra job and more work that he needs rest from.

the truth of this and having to think about it is not something i can cope with so i think the ugly truth can remain buried under a thin layer of lies that allow us to cope laugh and smile as the reality is to sad and scary to have to think about.

so i choose to hide from the ugly truth and live with in the web of lies i construct as it is these that keep me going each day, its believing that i help and do something other than add to my wonderful hubby's problems. i just hope that web we constructed that allows us to hide is not damaged to much and wont take to long to rebuild so that we can hide again f4rom that horrible ugly truth, M.E

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