Saturday, 24 October 2009

a lost week

this week has been lost to anger, frustration, tears and tantrums. i have not felt so very ill for a long time not just physically but also mentally. this constant bombardment of things going wrong has taken its toll and i feel like i have lost me, that may sound like a weird statement cos im here and i can see me when i look in the mirror but the me that copes and laughs and is able to be rational and hopeful disappeared this week.

to be replaced by a person with no sense of adventure, who had lost the ability to say stuff it lets try anyway, who was sat in her chair quietly having a tantrum about being ill and crying like a 2 year old over stuff beyond her control. i had lost my hence of humor my ability to laugh at this illness and at my self i could no longer see the positives that are there but they had been hidden from my sight. all i could see was the bad, horrible, life altering effects that this illness has had all i could see is what i have lost not what i have gained.

i cant even say that i have been feeling sorry for myself because that is not it all week i have been sitting on the edge of a black hole of depression not the sort of depression when we all feel a bit sad but the clinical heart breaking depression, i know that it was chemically induced by a lack of thyroxine and having a long tern chronic illness like M.E and fibromyalgia, and i am lucky that i am already on an anti d and that they have upped the dose of thyroxine to try and stabalise the effects of not producing any.

having the flue jab this week did not help either as i alway react for 24 hours afterit so that dropped me even further, but i have to say im grateful for having a family who recognize that things were not right and have given me the time to sort my head out and have listened and not moaned or complained when i canceled our weekend away cos i could not see how i could cope.

the change started yesterday when i made a conscious decision that i did not want to be that person, it could also be the meds starting to work although to stabalise may take weeks, but this morning i feel more me than i have in a long time and though this week was hard i think i had been sitting on the edge of that black whole for a while i only realized it as others friends and family were also noticeing the change in how i was.

thankyou all for your patience and hugs they mean a lot.

ill keep fighting i wont let this win it cant take away all of me

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